Street cats: Go away, you can’t read anyway.
As a baby, even if you are not cute, act cute, and keep nagging, otherwise you will be forgotten.
If your mother does not stick around long, try any other mother, even a human one, avoid reptiles.
Stick to each other for the warming effect, definitely not food sharing.
If you are ugly and need something, no one will give it to you, except for your mother.
If you are stupid, even your mother will ignore you.
Again, keep nagging.
Use the weak interrupted voice tone with humans, it almost always work.
Never show too much interest in any specific kind of food, humans will use it against you (I know it is difficult)
Show some interest in pleasing your human sponsor, don’t overdo it though. Try getting into their pockets, they like it. [God; what do we have to go through]
If humans do not want to caress you, screw them, just walk away for a meter or so, and comfortably lie down and sleep, that, if does not make them softer it will surely make them feel less important.
Do not poop in their private places, they’ll smack you.
Always show that you hate bathing, even if you really need it. It’s OK to scratch them then.
Give your sponsor the welcome home thing, you’ll get bigger portions.
Peak at your sponsor while mating, in the right time; make them believe that you want to learn something new, after all they are humans.
Leave that last bit of the stupid biscuit food untouched, you’ll get a juicy chicken wing next time.
If you are not hungry try not to show up, I know it’s manipulative but it works and cats are allowed to be so.
Can’t talk much about mating tips until the next chapter is out, but one quick thing for gals: Never show satisfaction. For guys; two things: First thing to spray on and mark is your sponsor. Secondly; as of relationships with other cat ladies, keep nagging.
Girls “If you really hate the guy, cross a road in front of a speeding car, the tailgating guy most of the time will be killed [p value<0.04]. I know that is nasty and evil, but we got to do what we got to do.
Eat when you want, sleep when you want, mate when you want, be assertive, but keep making your sponsor think that they are in control.
Every now and then make your sponsor believe you love him; does not hurt, lick his scalp for example.
Vaccination is a bitch, but has to be done; otherwise, you will get ugly spots on your nose and bad mouth breath.
Keep late hours.
Never trust condoms.
Please distribute to at least 5 friends; if your wish does not come true, I won’t give a rat’s tail.
Always remember that the only thing that counts is YOU.
Future topics: Feline Mating…Revisited.
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