The Humane way

Hopping up the stairs three at a time, rising above her crippled self, “Limpy” was thinking that “Nao” would be the only one to talk to. She knew that he would, after learning what she had to say, spend the rest of the day and may be even few days afterwards walking back and forth, trying to calm his nerves down and find a solution. She was about to start feeling sorry for him, and actually the notion of sparing him the news tried to cross her mind. She, quickly killed the unborn idea, aborted it; she had to tell someone, and “Nao” always listened to her. She had to vent.

Just before entering his living area, she wondered why did he really, really listen to her? Why did he pay her any attention? There was no realistic answer but the usual: His life would not be as worthwhile without her in it.

In she went, and among sobs she broke the news: “They are rounding up stray cats, and putting them to sleep, they say in a gentle way, a humane way.”

As expected, “Nao” rose up on all four, tail between hinds, ears backwards, and teeth glistened: “That is fucking ridiculous, did you hiss them away? How dare these jokers come over here with their “humane four wheel drives which kill cats by the dozens every day, and talk about putting us to sleep, and in a fucking human way? The audacity is beyond me. What did you do?”

“Me, nothing, I swear.”

“Of course nothing, you just ran to me.”

“Who else should I run to, you are the wise one.”

“At least hiss at them, confirm your status, scratch them, bite their nasty faces, pluck out their eyes.”

“I can’t, I am too scared.”

“Now I have to convene with the other elders of the neighboring areas.”

After a short angry pause “Nao” came up with a resolution: “Hunting small rodents, cockroaches, snakes and the likes would all stop. And an emergency disaster plan should be implemented.” The question was which one, they had so many plans before, but the one against human violence was so old and outdated, never even tried. Cats never thought that they would ever need to run a drill with that plan since humans had been domesticated decades earlier.

Again, as expected, “Nao” started walking angrily across the room, back and fourth, looking, all the time, at his nose. “Limpy” quickly became impatient and demanded prompt responses.

He looked her up and down and was about to explode in her face, then the anger suddenly disappeared and his body seemed to shrink in size, and he smiled saying: “And was it you who had intimated some officials somehow last night? May be so, that they had to pass on this commotion today.”

“Me, no, I swear. I know I am loud sometimes, but I always take my lovers away from around human bedrooms, I know our lovemaking makes them jealous.”

“I don’t think your love making makes them jealous, it’s how loud you scream when you are at it, they can’t sleep. You go crazy wailing, as if you want the universe to know your success in romance. You should be ashamed of yourself, you now only go with youngsters; no one else tolerates your attitude in sex any more, only young cats who had just started experiencing orgasm do, the ones who would sleep with anything that moves or doesn’t move, even you, rather than masturbate.”

Now, “Limpy” is angry: “My attitude in sex? What is it that, your highness, think is wrong with my attitude?”

“Oh, nothing much, but you only insist on seeing the eyes of your stallion as he reaches the peak of orgasm. How is he supposed to show you his dreamy eyes and bite your neck at the same time? Oh, you want to see ecstasy, how dull.”

“They don’t need to bite my neck; I am not going anywhere, unlike you I never run away.”

“Remember dear, these are young kittens; they perform by instinct, and they don’t yet know how sexually developed you are. They buy what you sell them. Aren’t you who claim when you seduce them that you are going to teach them the tricks of the trade?”

“How did you know that?”

“You are not the only one who runs to me when there is trouble dear “limpy“;  I think if you had had male kids, you wouldn’t have spared them either, you have trained every boy cat in the neighbourhood – and every other neighborhood for that matter- the tricks of the trade, as you put it. I am not expecting you to contain your “giving”, mother Teresa, but don’t expect much from a novice.”

“I expect a lot of you “Nao“, but understanding the joy of looking one in the eye during intimate moments is not even on your list. You are, in that regards, just another male, chauvinist pig, if you may.”

“Well thank you”

“Don’t take it personally dear “Nao“, but that is a fact; men are different from us girls, we bond with affection, we enjoy the sense of belonging and the security, which may be a fantasy, but at least we enjoy that fantasy for the short minutes that it lasts. On the other hand, you men deal with every thing in life as problems that need to be solved. Therefore, before you get laid, we are a problem,  we get attention, gentleness, caressing, looks, ears, and the whole game. The second you bastards get off and reach your orgasm, the problem is solved, we then don’t get anything extra, not a kiss, hug or even a look, you start looking away thinking of the next problem to solve, which most of the time is another pussy.”

“Don’t you think sleeping with you is an enough evidence for caring about you? Why you girls continue to ask for more, for continuous expression of emotions, for a second to second proof of love, as if while we are making love to you we only care for ourselves and are not capable of caring for you, you request constant validation, and the look in the eye, don’t you know it’s tiring?”

“No, I don’t.”

“Forget it, what am I thinking? I forgot who I am talking to, the queen of sex a la carte.”

“I know you will not understand, the only one who does agree with me is “Raheema“, God bless her soul; she knows the importance of looking one in the eyes, she even seeks it, and refuses to give herself to anyone but the right one. I heard her arguing with her grandmother the other day about this exact issue; she refuses to sleep with a man just to procreate, she wants to be in love. She told me the other day that she always had and always would love love for love, for the idea of it, the inspiration, and would never sleep with anyone except the right one.”

“And you share that with her, I believe, saving yourself for the right one, aren’t you?”

“Oh no, that is where “Raheema” and I disagree; I, while waiting for the right one, do every possible other one, she doesn’t, not a single man or a single woman, she is a bull in that regards.”

“A cow.”

“Not literally you ass, you know what I mean.”

“And where did this warm girl to girl talk take place if I may ask?”

“You don’t have the right to ask, you know. But I’ll tell you anyway. Let me just remove my contacts first, they are becoming scratchy.”

“That may be so because you are wearing the protective cover of the lens along with the lens, haven’t you noticed the world becoming yellow.”

“Oh my my, so that is why, stupid me, I thought they were supposed to do that; make the world golden. Anyway, where were we?


“Yes, I know. Do you know the poor guy living in the garden house, “Breeze”?”


“The poor fellow, he is so sweet, so caring, so clean, so….everything.”

“What about him?”

“Lately, he has been coming home, in a dreamy state, walking erratically, and pulling his body across the garden, literally dragging his body. He is sleeping late, leaving the house unattended for long hours, and you wouldn’t see him looking out from the kitchen window at all anymore now. He sometimes is found crying or just dazed on a street corner. He stopped visiting anyone except one friend of his called “Po“. He had stopped grooming himself, stopped cooking, and even eating. Sometimes he would wake up the building at night with his screams. He drinks heavily. He had turned into a drunkard.”

“Oh, poor “Breeze“, he is such a brittle sensitive little soul.”

“And that is exactly why he drinks, I think; he is too pure for this life.”

“So, he is in love with “Raheema”?”

“Oh no, it is just that the other day in the afternoon, as I was stretching in the sun, in the garden, I saw “Raheema” bringing him home; he was leaning on her, unable to support himself, almost carried by her. They had planned to go out for lunch, and I think he went at it drinking instead. She laid him down on his bed, gave him something to eat, washed his head and face and sat by his side until he slept and was peaceful. You know initially his breathing was interrupted and he was making some wining sounds and whimpering. She stayed with him and quieted him down. I was with her. We spoke for a long time, and that was when she expressed to me her likes.”

“So, is she in love with him?”

“I don’t think so; they just had been friends since they were kids, before, in the neighborhood of the old city house, long before they moved here to the garden house.”

“Poor fellow, my heart goes out for him.”

“I’ll go now.”

“Where are you going, aren’t you worried about getting round up and killed in a fuckin’ humane way?”

“Oh no, haven’t I told you”

“Tell me what?”

“That, that, was taken care of.”

“No you haven’t”

“It was.”

“How? Would you be kind enough to inform me of this so “irrelevant” detail?”

“Oh, sorry, my forgetfulness, what was the term again? I don’t seem to remember, deforestation? Was it?”

“Just shut up and tell me, will you? How was it taken care of?”

Demoozi“, solved it; he stood up for us, gave the city workers shit, and I mean shit; forbade them from stepping into the neighborhood and told them that if any harm touches, just touches any of the neighborhood cats , he would raise hell, and they, the human things that is, would regret it to the last day of there wretched lives. Yes, that was how he said it, “Wretched”…Aah, I adore him; he is a man, my man,”

“So he is out of his stupor”

“Don’t say that, you, you wicked hateful cat, it is not stupor, he is only meditating. But no, he is still in the same state, he just had to break his silence for a while, when he heard the chaos and learnt that we were endangered. He has been less restful, I must say, and quicker to respond than usual these past few days, I wonder why.”

“Bored of waiting, may be?”

“Oh, don’t remind me, that poor thing, slept through the whole screaming and shouting. No, no, “Demoozi” is beyond waiting, there has to be a more sublime expression for his emotions, waiting is an inappropriate term for where he is; does not click”

“Enough crap, he is just a cold insensitive, self loving, immature snob”

“If he was insensitive and self centered as you say he wouldn’t have stood for all the neighborhood cats as he did, you should have seen him, oh, mercy, mercy.”

“Oh, yea?”

“He turned around then stood up, note that, turned then stood up, muscles in harmonious yet threatening motion, like a sphinx turning to life, or rather life evolving in a sphinx; all grand and perfect. Beautiful eyes, glorious body, divine hands, deep masculine voice, and heavenly moves. Perfectly beautiful. He pours out pheromones; everything screams sex, sex, sex. Ah, goodness gracious, save my soul. Everything else around him was silenced as he spoke. The men just listened to him then silently ran away. Furthermore, he then told us that we can always use the empty first floor in the building anytime we wanted to. Then he went back; he paused a little at the kitchen window and then went back to do whatever he was doing, whatever a perfect creature like him would do on that truncated tree trunk he always sat on. As if the skies and nature orbit him, he was splendid, he was nature, he was god.”

“Oh my, my, this sex god of yours should have some mercy on his poor mate, “Breeze“, who is killing himself, and drinking his life away doing it.”

“Oh “Nao“, my dear, you are just jealous that he had solved a huge problem in few seconds, a problem that would have you walking across the floor of this room for days on end. But don’t you worry, I love you anyway.”

“Oh, shut up, will you. Just take your gorgeous self, and disappear from my sight. Shut up.”


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