I had it with you up to the tip of my nose, may be even beyond.
My matrix could not take in anymore; “none”, ANY- more. You were very successful in making me want to cut all off, and continued not to comprehend, at all.
You knew, or if you did not, that, made it even worse.
I was walking through a field of broken glass blent in with glowing coal.
I was amidst a situation where any slight toe tip over could have put me a-blast; you did not at the least pretend unawareness, you insisted on claiming being aware, and continued your punishment.
I had told you, almost begged you, to help me through that transition into Calamity. But you chose to ignore that, and ignored that I might have been not as solid as you thought; I could, and had the right to, liquefy, even vaporize.
You chose to continue to be your usual self.
I had acquired bruises, my feet bled; yet, neither you, nor anyone else, thought that ‘that’ was possible, I was supposed to be “The Un-touchable”.
For me untouchable felt more like being dirty rather being divine; more like being a leper.
I had reached the border, at the exact same moment, which, by the way, was your birthday, and the exact same moment that you had me think you had cherished my remembrance.
At that exact, same, moment; me crossing the border; you, so manipulatively decided to tell me that I had been all along: Selfish.
‘Selfish’. Bold, discrete and absolute.
” Ill be lying if I say I still love you.
I’ll be lying if I say I can forget you.
I’ll be lying if I say I can ever forgive you.
But I continue to ask of you;
To choose me a shore, where I can break upon”
Yes, I did switch all off. I had previously switched my life off for all else to keep going, but I was even denied that.
It seemed that I had to be a catalyst for all else’s wanting; of course, mine, were if not diabolic, secondary.
I chose to disconnect, I had shut all. Couldn’t but.
At that exact second, you told me that I had been inconsiderate and selfish.
You chose that precise moment when my right foot was in Calamity and my left was still outside,
Well, I could not have said anything but that you had excelled in choosing the moment.
You knew what I was passing through; with myself, work, you, wealth, health, relocations…Etc,
I could have given you the benefit of doubt if you had spoken at any other time.
Any other time where I was practically begging for a hug from you, a word of affection, acknowledgement, a heartbeat, a tight, a really tight hug, a simple expression “I understand”.
Now, after you had exhausted me, you reminded me of dropping the atomic bomb on Hiroshima, as soon as the bomb got ready, even-though, the war was already over and done with.
Too bad. I was a human, and a tough one, even tougher than Japan. Your maneuvers were and would continue to be futile.
I could have responded in a manner that would have been offensive, defensive, apprehensive, inconsiderate or socially inept, or I could have even complied with your manipulative pressures.
I chose to disappear.
I ordered my left foot to move on, along with the right, into the Calamity city,
I knew, then, that you were not God and could not judge by intents, but by outcomes. Those were your choices; my only choice was to continue to act by intent.
You called, did call, after I had joint both feet into disappearance, into Calamity.
I could not go back.
Sorry, to say that, but your recklessness, my beloved Zoe, along with everything else was just too much.
I was a hard bee wax that would very willingly had tilted between your shoulders, like a daffodil, but you refused once, and continued to refuse, you wanted me to continue to be hard;
I refused to break; I melted, but sadly, not between your shoulders.
You, I have to admit, were considerate enough to call me back up and apologize.
But I had been already in the city. I was not sure whether I had no choice or did actually choose to keep walking, so I did.